Or Alternately: The Maass Family Travel Journal Tries Not to Completely Lose Its Shit and Melt into a Giant Anxious Puddle of Insecurity.
So. We here at the Maass Family Travel Journal sat down with our wine and cheese and aged steak and agreed that we need to comport ourselves with a bit more decorum.*
Well, not really. We are being kicked into maturity. It's not exactly a welcome change. But grad school, that dirtbag whore, is making me do it.
Okay. Drama over. I have to attend a conference for grad school in Philadelphia in a week. If I'm being honest, it actually sounds very interesting, and I imagine I'll get quite a bit out of this experience. The part I'm not looking forward to, however, is the part that has to do with class. Because all of a sudden I am absolutely sure that I am without a doubt the worst student in the class, and also the ugliest and most unstylish to boot (that part is likely true). Clearly I am not even close to looking like a cool person. Looking like a fool is much more likely. Looking like a little girl trying to play dress up in fancy shoes is much, much, more likely. Yuck.
I want to whine now. About how much I hate being fakey, and about how much I am about to do it. I have to cut and color my long, now two-tone hair. My long, stringy Saturday hair. New clothes. I don't know how that will turn out, but let's just say that none of them are the raggy jeans, cargo skirts and band T-shirts that I generally prefer. I'm having trouble with clothes right now anyway, because we are messing with my meds so much that I can't stay at a regualar weight. Normally I gain, but lately I have lost. Which, yay! but now all my pants look like I could wear a large, filled diaper because of the butt bagginess. Professional, right? Do I even try with make-up? I only wear chapstick, and everything else makes me feel (again like a little girl playing dress-up. What to do? Be me and be slightly more comfortable in a very scary environment? Or try to dress and act like I belong?
Greg tried to comfort me over dinner the other night. "You aren't the worst," he said. And I jumped down his throat. "How would you know?" I asked. "Really, how would you have a clue? There's 20 of us. Somebody has to be the worst. Somebody is always the worst. This time it's me. I'm not used to it, but that doesn't mean it's not happening to me now. All I can do at this point in time is be the worst with as much grace as I can muster." Grace. Me. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Seriously, though, this is what I will have to keep reminding myself. Or I will have a nervous breakdown.
The Maass Family Travel Journal will be flying out early and (weather-permitting) traveling a bit on the East coast before the conference. This will serve the dual purpose of letting us here at the Travel Journal get out a little (it's been awhile!) and keeping me from thinking about school too much. Stay tuned to see how it all goes, complete with how many times I puke out of nervousness. That'll make you come back.
*We tell our evil border collie at least once a day to "comport yourself with decorum." Not that he ever does. But it's still funny.
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I hate makeup. I hardly ever wear it. In fact, Sam's only seen me with makeup twice: our wedding day, and the day of our wedding luncheon. Other than that, I can't be bothered with make up at all.
ReplyDeleteI think you should be who you are. No need to confirm yourself to what others want you to be. We love you because you are who you are.
Why do you feel like you're the worst in your class? Do you have proof? Or is that fear and insecurity settling in? Would you feel differently about things if you were suddenly told you were the best? Or would you still continue to feel nervous and insecure? I completely get the nervousness. But you should use those feelings to motivate you. You are not the worst! I know it!
A few more weeks and you'll be done!
You are too nice! I just feel that way because I honestly feel that my work over the last 8 months (with the exception of my Legal class) has not been very good. I don't think my Gustavus profs would have given me c's, if even that. It's not the best work, or even close to the best work that I could do under normal circumstances. I will be working ALL WEEKEND LONG trying to make my work better, though.
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