the creativity killer

Grad School.

The thing about it was not that I jumped in with both feet, and that I was inordinately and absurdly excited to do so. I had sniffed around for a few years, requested brochures and information, even attended a session at St. Catherine's. The thing was how quickly and how deeply I plunged - after years of hemming and hawing I did it all in one day when Greg was in Montevideo. I told no one. Later, I mentioned it to my mom. In this email:

"Just got the acceptance today. I have to accept/decline by the 24th. We start the end of May. More later - I'm at work, and I haven't looked at the info they sent me - I didn't look past the part that said "Congratulations!"

My mom sent me that email recently, maybe just to remind me that there was a time not that long ago when I was really, really excited about this instead of really, really....unsure. It's so hard to find the right words to describe how I feel about grad school. It's so hard to find the right feelings. It's not that it's hate, although at times it certainly feels that way. It's not that it's indifference or uncertainty, either, although there have been assignments and maybe even entire classes where those feelings reigned supreme. It's definitely not love - I loved undergrad. I had thought I loved school, but what I've come to realize is that I what I really loved was my school. This experience is nothing like that one. And it shouldn't be. But I just wonder, in a program that is almost entirely online, is there anyone else who is wondering right now whether they ever should have done this at all?

The first year was kind of nice. It was hard, at times, to find the time to do everything, but it went pretty well, and I felt like I was learning a lot, and I felt pretty happy in my job and pretty hopeful about my future. I complained a lot. I relished breaks from school. But really, it went pretty well.

And then it was summer, 2010. And it all fell apart. I guess it wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't been SO SICK. ALL THE TIME. And if I hadn't been trying to do two jobs at work. Before I knew it, entire weeks had flashed by, weeks of my life where I remembered doing nothing but going to work and going to bed, sick. I was behind in everything. I didn't care at all. But you never stay that sick forever, you either get better or... die, maybe? Get real help? I don't know.... And being a little better, it seemed that it would be a tad bit wasteful to consider that I had done an enitre year's worth of grad school only to quit. So I didn't quit then. And I didn't quit in the Fall, although they probably should have failed me for lack of participation and turning in a big, heaping, still-steaming pile of dung for my Applied Project draft. I tried to make up for it by being a Legal SuperStar, and I actually did manage that quite nicely. Legal was one of my favorite classes.

And now. There is only one semester left. It would be stupid to quit, when I've come so far, and everything I've worked for is suddenly so close. Like, seriously close. There's snow on the ground now, and when the snow is melting, that's when I'll be nearly done. I will probably have to buy just one bag of dog food between now and then. I mean, it's close. At one time it seemed like this time would never come. And then it seemed like if it ever did, I would be so happy. And the strangest thing is, I don't feel happy at all. I feel relief that it will be over, but relief is a very different animal than happy. I don't feel proud; I don't think I will, either. I almost, almost, feel....ashamed. Because I have wasted two years, thousands of dollars, LOADS of creativity, and all for something that I no longer have any feelings for at all.

Maybe this will get better when I meet some of my classmates in Philadelphia. Maybe it will be worse to see all those type-A's, to take my rightful place as the bottom-feeder in our little cohort. Maybe someday I will feel like I want to use this degree, and maybe someday I will be glad that I did all of this. But that day seems really far away today.