leaping and lack thereof

I can be a pretty spontaneous person. I am by nature a very disorganized fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants type of girl. Recently my husband and I were on a road trip and were were playing "Chat Pack," which is just a set of card that asks you questions like, "what would your epitaph read?" or "if you could have 50 lbs. of anything other than money, what would you want?" I drew one that asked, "what would be the title of your autobiography, ten words or less?"

imaginative. creative. MESS.

That was my title, and he was a little taken aback by it. I didn't understand what the problem was; Greg lives with me and would be first to agree that that is who I am (in my private life, at least). But he didn't like the "MESS" part and was sad that I thought my life was a mess. It was a little odd that I had to explain that I embrace the MESS. It has its downsides and I often get frustrated with myself, but mostly I like MESS. I am the MESS.

I make decisions in a flash and think about them later. I travel on the fly. I can be reckless with my physical self and money and others' feelings. I look for adventure everywhere and often create my own when none is to be found (I can be bratty and a bit of a drama queen). I take leaps of faith and honestly believe that things will all work out for me.

And I've come to believe all of these things, like a story that's been told so many times that it's unquestionably true.

But when it comes to the biggest leap of faith of all, I am frozen in place, unable or unwilling to jump. I am reduced to lists of pros and cons that mean nothing to a person like me who can't comprehend actually making a real decision based on a piece of paper rather than a sudden outpouring of emotion or an urge or just even a vague feeling.

But that won't work here. Because this decision will take time and money and possibly health and science and travel and it will involve not just a yes or a no, but a series of decisions, all of which must be answered the same way, and even after answering, no guarantees that you'll get what you decided you wanted in the first place.

If anyone knows what I'm talking about by reading the words I can't yet write, tell me how you made the leap.